What's this all about? — Grief Dumpling

On August 18th, 2021, my fiancée, partner and best friend, Julie-Rae King died suddenly at age 30 from complications from a pulmonary embolism.

To put it mildly, this threw every facet of my life into complete and utter chaos.

The past year and a half has been filled with an unimaginable barrage of challenges, unexpected hurdles, exceptionally dark humour, and the long and arduous journey of trying to process everything. A journey that is made even more challenging because it is impossible to prepare for. It’s unplanned and unpredictable. There’s no guidebook, no rules, no training. It is a rollercoaster that constantly gives you whiplash, is filled with twists and turns, and dips when you least expect it.

No one really talks about it or prepares you for it which, honestly, kind of makes sense. It’s sad, it’s scary, it’s depressing, why would we want to talk about this before we have to? However, a flip side of this is that grief and all the baggage that goes along with it is shrouded in stigma and mystery. People can’t relate (and it’s a good thing they can’t!) but I’ve found that they also struggle to empathise. Not because they lack empathy or are bereft of emotion, but because there isn’t a strong societal understanding of it all. I hope that this space pulls back a bit of the curtain and shines a light on some of the nuances of at least what I’m going through.

I learnt early on that getting my thoughts and feelings down on paper, or said out in the open is an incredibly powerful tool in this processing journey. Putting words to my feelings and taking time to talk it out helped pieces begin to fall into place. Having a sounding board where I can ramble incoherently until I eventually figure out what I am trying to say allowed me to come to my own conclusions and understandings of what I am/was feeling.

I also learned (re-learned maybe?) that you actually only think you know something but, until you actually experience it, you truly have no idea. The things I have learned about grief and the journey that comes after are all things that seem totally obvious in hindsight but completely unforeseeable in the lead-up.

Lastly, I developed a firm belief and understanding that everyone’s experience of grief is unique and personal to them, but that no experience is invalid or ‘wrong’. Hearing from others who had been through similar experiences was some of the greatest medicine I could have asked for. To have the weird insecurities of my experience (“I’ve noticed I’ve started clenching my jaw more”) validated by others, (“Oh me too! I’ve been grinding my teeth in my sleep since he died”) felt like a whole body wave of relief.

That’s what this space will hopefully be. A place to ramble, to share my experiences, and maybe even help others understand their own processes and journeys after a loss. A place that may feel validating for some and informative to others (or maybe both to some!).

I hope to be able to update this site with relative regularity and I want to try and shine a light onto some of the less-talked about parts of grief. I’m not sure how successful I’ll be but creating a space for me to write (and therefore process) about my experiences helps me stay accountable to engaging with my journey and the progress I’m told I seem to be making.

It’ll be ugly, I’ll probably share a lot more than is considered socially acceptable, and I’ll definitely make jokes that my mum will give me into trouble for, but I’ll be honest and frank. Hopefully that’s good enough for everyone :)